Negative remark when accompanied by positive comments makes confrontation constructive.
I don’t like fresh tomatoes. I can hardly swallow a single slice of it. But when it goes with bacon & lettuce… hmmm I can guzzle my BLT with much gusto.
But certainly this blog is not about the BLT sandwich per se.
Sandwich I mean is the mode that john and I used whenever we want to call each other’s attention for a
specific negative individual or marital concern.
In our eight years of marriage, john and I used to have a communication problem. John is spontaneous
and lengthy yet specific with the used of words while I am the exact opposite
of John. Plus I am fond of using euphemism to deliver negative points that on
john’s end brings most often than not a lot of connotations.
John who is being direct often flares me up when he stress out to me some issue. Though he meant it well
but his being a denotative-type often appears an offense for me. The confrontation then turns to bitter squabble and ends in a “lampshade” position in our bed. (Lampshade position is each faced its own lampshade)
The Lord had dealt this attitude of ours to us. John and I are doing well with our external ministries
but we always tend to skew to the left with our internal ministry, our home. It is always affected by our own behavior. And we always moved around the cycle (kiss and make up, and, “there she/he goes again” chain). Until three weeks ago, we really got down to the issue and addressed our character as a spouse
and a couple.
By God’s grace, we were able to arrive in the finish line without raising our voice, pointing each other’s weaknesses, and being “historical” over century-old fights (just a hyperbole phrase of those multi-layered hang-ups and arguments)
How did we do it? First, We get to the Word and Seek God’s will for us as a couple. Second, we recalled
couples we admired and looked up to, and study their relationship so we can apply it in our own marriage. Third, we applied sandwich approach. Sure you heard this style. True it is a 3 steps approach. Step 1; say a positive comment (like john and myself, we recognized things we admired from each other). Step
2, mention the negative behavior/ comment (john and I rather put it this way, we bring up the things we need to improve on) and; Step 3; finish the conversation with another positive comment (We wrapped the dialogue with the assurance of love).
Like tomatoes, I can’t take it alone but put the slice of tomato with bacon, lettuce, some spread in-between two slices of bread makes a palatable sandwich. That goes with negative remark when accompanied by positive comments makes confrontation constructive ….
Read more: http://authspot.com/journals/blt/#ixzz1ZsDco3Wr
Love is delightful and pleasurable. It satisfies our soul and fills our spirit. It is ignited from within and radiates in our entire being.
I for one am amazed, even mystified and captivated by love. My love story is not an extraordinary event. It is very common and perhaps has been similarly experienced by a number of women across the globe.
My marriage is a product of a long distance relationship. Long distance relationship is not easy but it is not impossible. As I recalled, my idealism was not in favor of it before. I thought I could not handle a relationship like that. But looking back, what made that relationship survived was the kind of love that we have for each other. It was hard to classify that feeling but our love started from a genuine friendship. Before we became steady, we used to be good friends. In fact, I had a beau and he had an inamorata too when we started our friendship. We became best buddies and he was my confidant in many matters because he knew where I was coming from. He could understand my concerns because he himself grew up in a broken family. Note that I did not find him attractive. There was really no spark. He was just a plain teenager to me. So i can really honestly say there was no desire and he was just a ordinary friend for me.
So one time, he left our place because he went to a different college. In that time, communication was cut for a year. When he came back, things had been changed. It was not planned. We were both at the phase of mending our broken hearts. When he visited me at home, we were just catching up and talking about how things were in my end and his as well, until we arrived to the point of agreeing that we would want to try out if the two of us would work together as lovers. That was really silly but we did it anyway. So that marked the new level of our relationship from buddy to steady.
After college I had to move to another province. The distance would take an 8 hours ride by bus from my home town to the new place where I was working as a college instructor. He was left then. He had few more years left to finish college. During those times, mobile phones did not exist. Internet cafe had not been part of the business industry yet in our place back in 1996. So the only means of communication was through snail mail and sometimes long distance calls. We would only see each other during school break and summer vacation. It had been like that for 2 years and 6 months to be exact.
As of today, we are already 13 years married. It was not an easy 13 years because life passes through mountains and valleys. But we meet head-on these challenges together. We still have a long way to go, we are not sure of what lies ahead but the love that we have for each other will truss us even more.
Honeymoon always sounds exciting. Newlyweds look forward to this stage in their lives. What is unknown to them are the blues that may come after the big event. Of course nobody anticipates that. The groom and bride are simply at the height of exhilaration. Even the preparation, though at times, is quite a challenge to put every single detail of the wedding. But still the enthusiasm never runs dry because you are looking forward for the big day.
Now, after the wedding… you seem to feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. You are now starting to feel the exhaustion. It is not that you lose interest but your body is feeling weak to go out and enjoy the new life with your spouse. If you are moving in a day or two after the wedding to a new apartment, it might be difficult for you to be up and fix the place. You feel so weary to move and keep things spick and span. Do not worry and do not rush your spouse too if he or she feels drained. Be considerate because that is what you need too if you are to trade places.
Since you or your spouse is feeling all the blues after the wedding, then what you can do is to let you both slowdown. Allow yourself to breathe in and let the feeling come to pass. This emotion is only temporary. Take things one day at a time too. Do not expect yourself to be expert on this new life together. Transformation does not happen over night. Do not worry too much of the future. Try not to see life in a box too. Explore each day with your spouse. Have a wider room for improvement… and may be you have heard these things during your wedding day from the well-wishes of family and friends… but still I would like to reiterate them- be forgiving for the lapses of your spouse. He or she probably feels the same way as you do. It would be wise to communicate openly- did you hear that from your mom? Yes. She is right. Communication is essential. Your spouse like everyone else is not a mind-reader. So communicate openly and simply.
These Basic tips will help you start your marriage. For sure you will discover more along the way since no formula works for everyone. As you begin to understand your spouse and learn about each other. You will own your experience and have some tips to share among your friends in the future.