I have been silent for awhile… I am already in the process of healing… sometimes attack comes but it ain’t that hard as it was. I can sleep without Xanor anymore… and I have to rest whenever I feel tired already to avoid the attack. I am getting a hobby so I can unwind and relax. I drop all the works and we moved in to a new house.

Right now, I am inside my cocoon…  but I am almost ready to come out and fly. I really do not have much to say… but it is doing me good to be still and quiet. In time maybe, I can narrate the whole experience but then again…for now. . . I want to stay silent in this area of my life.

Beyond Depression

Depression is real. It might be not easy to recognize it instantly but once it strikes to a person, physical manifestation is evident and sometime inescapable.

Below are the physical symptoms of depression from HEALTHY PLACE.

Major depression is also known as clinical depression, unipolar depression, and major depressive disorder. People who experience major depression feel persistently sad. They do not take pleasure in activities that were once enjoyable. Other physical and mental problems often experienced include sleep problems, loss of appetite, inability to concentrate, memory problems, and aches and pains. People who suffer from this condition often feel worthless, helpless, and hopeless about their ability to fix things. They often welcome sleep and experience their waking life as a living nightmare. No matter how hard they try to snap out of it, they feel as though they are falling into an abyss with nothing to hold on to.

Major depression usually strikes people between the ages of 25 and 44, although it can affect any person at any age. For most people, episodes of major depression last from six to nine months. Sometimes, even if major depression goes untreated, it will run its course and leave by itself. Doctors are not sure why this happens, but it is often attributed to the body’s tendency to correct abnormal situations.


I had a counseling session last friday, September 18, 2009. She is not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. She is a missionary of our church. And she has been doing spiritual counseling with numerous women, locally and internationally. I am honored to be ministered by her that day. Over the course of our conversation, she was able to lead me  to the root causes of my depression. She has unearthed those multi-layered angst that I have been keeping for … roughly 28 years. We traveled back time and she dug my memories since I was 4 or 5 years old. The fear that I am feeling now has been rooted by those incidents in my childhood and had been piled up in my head… until that fear grew and confronted me. The confrontation is ugly and is almost overtaking me, causing me to be depressed and fearful of a lot of things.

I am still quite unsure to narrate the details all at once. It is kinda overwhelming to reveal it all in one entry. So I most likely relate it bit by bit. I hope that is okay. Thank you for reading and Until then.

Depression 101: Causes

When I learned that I am going through this condition, I began to search about it online. I am even reading a book about it. From my researches, I have learned that it “has no single cause but rather a combination of things. Like me, I was so surprised that it struck me.

Below are some of the things I read about depression. This information is lifted from DEPRESSION (dot) COM.

Depression is not just a state of mind. It is related to physical changes in the brain, and connected to an imbalance of a type of chemical that carries signals in your brain and nerves. These chemicals are called neurotransmitters.

Some of the more common factors involved in depression are:

Family history. Genetics play an important part in depression. It can run in families for generations.

Trauma and stress. Things like financial problems, the breakup of a relationship, or the death of a loved one can bring on depression. You can become depressed after changes in your life, like starting a new job, graduating from school, or getting married.

Pessimistic personality. People who have low self-esteem and a negative outlook are at higher risk of becoming depressed. These traits may actually be caused by low-level depression (called dysthymia).

Other psychological disorders. Anxiety disorders, eating disorders, schizophrenia, and (especially) substance abuse often appear along with depression.

Physical conditions. Serious medical conditions like heart disease, cancer, and HIV can contribute to depression, partly because of the physical weakness and stress they bring on. Depression can make medical conditions worse, since it weakens the immune system and can make pain harder to bear. In some cases, depression can be caused by medications used to treat medical conditions.

My Story.

I have yet to confirm what causes my condition. But I can at least pinpoint that emotional trauma and emotional stress have a lot to do with it. So many things have happened to me for the whole month of August, but I also think that it all started back in 2006 when we moved to a new place and then the entire thing had stirred up my marriage. Although my husband is a good man. He is a christian who loves and honors God. He has no vices like drugs, gambling, smoking, drinking and even women. He turned his back from all that when he made a commitment to follow the Lord. But somehow, that is not the only issue in marriage. There are other factors around us that may harm relationships particularly marital relationship. I wish I can relate everything now, but I still have to ask permission from my husband if it is okay with him to share delicate issues. For now, that is how far I can discuss.